TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
