i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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