We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i drank out of a bidet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
