Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
