Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I checked into jail on foursquare
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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