Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
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I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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