May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
