i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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