After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm getting married
To pizza
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
