My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
