i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
