dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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