So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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