Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
