i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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