Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
