There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
someone owes me an orgasm
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
