Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
