3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
