i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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