i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
