Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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