im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
