Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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