Whod you bang
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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