Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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