Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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