Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
