apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
