Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
