she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
