And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
