mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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