No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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