On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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