How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
