What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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