I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
