hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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