Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
