I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
