My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
high people should be assigned attendants
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
