The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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