I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Randomize