I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
