just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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