I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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