I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
