we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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