Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize