I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
