Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
