I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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