My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize