Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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