You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
