so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
