Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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