no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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