I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
